GOD'S BEST! =) / JANUARY 3,2008

The start of the year signalled the start of a whole new life for my friend Bu and her guy, G. Man, life really begins at **! Haha. =D In any case, I thought I'd write about it here, not just because she's a great friend, but also because I thought everything that was said in their wedding was pretty profound.

For the record, I love attending weddings. My officemate and friend, Marcus (yup, it's a code name =)), said it accurately: attending weddings is always like getting a fresh chance to renew one's own vows. More than remembering the physical details of our wedding day, however, each wedding I have attended since mid-July 2006 has been a constant reminder (and reaffirmation) of the richness and the depth of the promises Hubby Sweet and I made on our wedding day. (Whenever I get to attend with the Hubby, we actually hold hands during the wedding vows and mouth our own all over again--along with the couple being married. Now isn't that just the sappiest thing you've ever heard of??!! Hahaha! 'D Sappy, but true, so sue us. Haha. =))

Bu's and G's was a Christian wedding. For the record, I also think Christian weddings are particularly beautiful because each is unique. Unlike Catholic weddings where certain rites need to be followed (and the mass is almost generic), the Christian wedding follows a certain flow, but each element is chosen by the couple being married to be done in a way that is most meaningful to them. I especially love the part about honoring the parents where the couple each pays tribute before the entire congregation to the parents who brought them up to be the kind of persons that they turned out to be. Because each has different experiences growing up, each person's way of honoring their mom & dad would necessarily be different. I also love the part about the couple honoring each other. No generic wedding vows are said. Each makes his or her lifelong vow "to love, to honor and to cherish" in words that come from their hearts. I have yet to attend a Christian wedding where eyes remained dry. =)

I also love Christian weddings because the couple is usally wed by a pastor who has seen them through several weeks (months?) of counselling before the wedding, and is therefore able to talk to them in a manner that is also meaningful. Last Thursday, The Pastor of Bu & G said something that particularly struck me not because it was something new, but because it is something that people--in general--do not take to heart.

"Marriage is legally a contract," he said," and so people always refer to the document that we sign on our wedding day as a marriage contract. Because of this, it is usually so easy for non-believers to consider marriage unnecessary, referring to it as a mere piece of paper."

"At the heart of it all, however, marriage is more than a contract," he declared. "It is a covenant. It is a covenant, not just between two people, but between two people and God. Therefore," he continued, "how dare those who enter into this covenant, only to dismiss it years later, referring to their marriage as one big and unfortunate mistake."

"A contract," he continued,"is drafted to ensure that all parties keep their promise. At the heart of every contract, therefore, is an element of distrust. We draft contracts so we can file for retribution if the other party does not deliver. We draft contracts with exit clauses to dissolve the union upon the mutual consent of both parties--once the partnership stops working."

"On the other hand, at the heart of every covenant is trust. Trust that each party will remain true to his or her word out of mutual love and respect for one another, nourished on a daily basis under the love and guidance of the God to whom they consecrated their marriage. There are no exit clauses in marriage. Every marriage is a covenant for life."

"I therefore ask you now, Bu and G," he continued, "do you understand the gravity of the covenant that you are about to enter into?"

Answer: Yes. =)

"Do you willingly commit yourself to this covenant with each other and with God?"

Answer: YES! =)

Truth be told, however, I doubt if there is anyone who really goes through the wedding preparations only to say "No" at the point when it matters. Haha. =) I believe that one, in general, only gets to understand the full gravity of this so-called covenant only after the wedding is over, and only after the daily grind of marriage has begun. Hahaha. =)

Every girl marries a prince, only to be confronted with the reality of a husband who leaves his clothes where he took them off instead of placing them in the humper (which, BTW, is only 2 feet away), with a husband who squeezes the toothpaste tube in the middle after she has painstakingly squeezed it from the end, with a husband who leaves his rubber shoes in the middle of the sala like some out-of-place decor, with a husband who leaves dirty dishes in the sink, etc., etc.

In turn, every guy marries a beautiful, sweet, young thing only to be confronted with the reality of a wife who goes to bed in a tattered shirt because it is way more comfortable than the nightie she wore during their honeymoon, with a wife who can't come home early enough to cook him dinner so it's either takeout or a late meal on most nights, with a wife who keeps telling him to put his clothes in the humper blah-blah-blah, with a wife who--come to think of it--never seems to stop complaining about everything, etc., etc.

In the short time that we've been together, Hubby Sweet and I have actually gone through bouts (usually, over something petty) that escalated into major encounters with the magnitude of a full-blown world war. Hahaha! (Yes, to the point, sometimes, of one declaring, "Uuwi na lang ako sa bahay ng magulang ko!", and the other declaring, "Well, GOI!" HAHAHA! How dramatic....'D)

The Pastor of Bu & G did not sugar-coat marriage. He did not paint a picture of a lifetime of waking up next to each other smiling and leisurely talking over a cup of coffee. In fact, in a wedding ceremony--of all places!--he talked about the case of one couple he was counselling.

"A couple sought my help lately. They were at their wit's end, they said. They've been married 10 years. For 9 years, the husband has forgotten their wedding anniversary. Yes, every single year. He would be too busy with work. Too busy with other concerns. Too busy with other things going on in his professional life. In all of those nine years, he would inevitably remember sometime during the day that it IS their anniversary, and somehow make up for it. On this, their 10th year, the husband, a few days before their anniversary, miraculously remembered! Eager and excited to--for once--demonstrate to his wife that he remembered, he went off to get her the most beautiful card he can find. After scouring through rows and rows of cards, he settled on one. 'This is it,', he thought, grinning from ear to ear,'this is her.' He then went off to buy her a huge bouquet of flowers and wrapped her a gift to which he attached the precious card."

"The anniversary day finally arrived. With a big smile, he handed his loot of gifts to his wife. The wife was genuinely surprised. After 10 years, he finally remembered! She eagerly opened the card, giggling. As she read the card, her face all of a sudden dropped, her smile immediately replaced by anger, her eyes all of a sudden turned into steel."

"How dare you!" she called out, not bothering to hide the disappointment and the anger that she obviously felt.

"What's wrong?!" the husband asked, obviously perplexed.

"This," the wife cried out, practically shoving the card back to him, "THIS is what's wrong! For nine years, you've forgotten our anniversary, and now you give me this?!"

"The husband looked down at the card he had so painstakenly searched for and chosen for this momentous occasion, and quite immediately realized the mistake. "To My One & Only Love.....," it read, "HAPPY BIRTHDAY." (Waaaaaaaaaaahhhhhh!!! Hahaha. 'D)

"The husband," The Pastor of Bu & G continued, "realized his mistake, but was obviously not about to back down. Didn't he, after all, remember to get her all these for their anniversary. For once in their 10-year marriage, he finally remembered, and she's making a big deal out of this tiny, miniscule, insignificant mistake?! And what's the big deal over the past nine years?! Wasn't he a good provider? It wasn't as if he just forgot. He forgot because he was busy working for the family!"

"The wife," The Pastor of Bu & G continued, "on the other hand was thinking, this marriage is obviously not important to my fool of a husband. For 9 years, he forgot about our anniversary. How could one forget something as important as that?! When the fool finally remembered, he got me a happy birthday card! Now he tells me I'm making a big deal out of nothing! How can he not understand why I am this hurt?! How dare he not understand why I am this hurt!"

"That, in a nutshell," The Pastor of Bu & G smiled, "is how they found themselves before me."

"Bu & G, the daily grind of marriage is not easy. Even as I told this story, half the room was nodding when I read the point of view of the husband. 'Correct!', all the men seem to be thinking, quite possibly because it's a story that they themselves have lived through at one point in their lives--in one form or another. The other half nodded as I read the point of view of the wife. The women quite obviously understood where she was coming from and thought she was well within her right to feel the way she did."

"Yes, marriage is not easy, but the formula for making it work can always be found in the bible. Use it. Refer to it. If I were to summarize the formula for a happy marriage, however, I would say it can be found in two biblical directives: Husband, love your wife. Wife, respect your husband. Note that it is not said the other way around. The bible does not say 'Husband, respect your wife. Wife, love your husband.' There is a reason for it."

"Women don't need to be told to love. It's in their DNA. They are wired to love. And so it comes naturally to them to take care of their sick even if it means staying up 48 hours or more straight. It comes naturally to them to lend an ear, a hand to hold, a shoulder to cry on. It comes naturally to them to pay attention to the little things that add up to their version of the full manifestation of love."

"Men, on the other hand, don't need to be told to respect. Men generally place a premium on "status", on being looked up to, on being recognized. Consequently, the 'respect' he earns from the people around him is important, and he will defend the right to keep it at all cost. Despite all their bravado, the male ego is a delicate thing. When he feels his efforts have been belittled, you can be sure he will lash back with everything he's got."

"Women are not wired to put a premium on respect. Their loving nature, in fact, oftentimes makes it easy for them to put themselves last. On the other hand, men are not wired to pay attention to the little things that are 'supposed' to matter. Yes, good or bad, we think only the big things make a difference."

"Husband, love your wife. Wife, respect your husband,' is therefore a reminder for both husband and wife to go beyond what comes naturally to them in order to consider and nourish the fundamental and basic need of their spouse. Doing so will not be easy," The Pastor of Bu & G guaranteed, "There will be times the husband will be supremely intolerable; there will be times when the wife will be humongously unloveable. In those times, remember these two sentences: 'Husband, love your wife. Wife, respect your husband.' Do so especially during the most difficult of times, and you would have found a sure-fire formula for a happy and long-lasting marriage."

There is another portion of the Christian wedding ceremony that is fundamentally different from the candle ceremony of a Catholic wedding. In a Catholic wedding, the candle sponsors light the two individual candles and the couple takes light from these two separate candles to light the unity candle. For the record, it is among my favorite part of the Catholic wedding and I think it is a beautiful symbol of the union of two lives melding into one in Christ. =)

When Bu & G's candle sponsors stood up to light what I thought was the unity candle, however, I thought a gigantic booboo had occured. "Oh, no! They lit the unity candle," I panicked. The reason for it became apparent soon after.

Bu & G each took their separate candles.

"Take your light from Christ, from God to whom your marriage has been consecrated," The Pastor commanded as Bu and G lit each of their candles from the One Candle that was already glowing."

"G, be the light that will guide your marriage through the rough times. Be the light from which Bu will rekindle her own, in times when her candle is put out by the harsh realities of life," The Pastor said as Bu blew her candle out and re-lit it using G's candle.

"Bu, be the light that will guide your marriage through the rough times. Be the light from which G will rekindle his own, in times when his own candle is put out by the harsh realities of life," The Pastor similarly commanded Bu as G blew out his candle only to re-lit it using Bu's burning flame.

"There will be times when both of you will find that you have no strength left, no will to move on; times when everything would seem to be cloaked in darkness," The Pastor admonished as both Bu and G blew their candles out.

"In those times," he continued as Bu and G both re-lit their candles from the One Candle that remained glowing, "hold on tightly to one another. Live in absolute faith and remember to look to the One Light, the Light of Christ who guides and sustains us all."

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What a beautiful, meaningful ceremony! Congratulations, Bu & G not just on the wedding, but on your new and beautiful life together! =)

The text of the Pastor's sermon may have been placed in quotations, but this is more for dramatic effect (aside from it being my minor attempt at authenticity. Haha. =)) I, of course, only paraphrased based on how I remembered what The Pastor of Bu & G said. You can be sure, however, that the gist and the spirit were retained. =)

In any case, to my remaining single friends, may you find someone to hold a light out for you in dark times (which is not necessarily a spouse because most of them are happily single, haha!).

To my married friends, may this be as helpful to you. Among Christians, they refer to the one person God intended for you (which is presupposed to be the person you married) as GOD'S BEST. Here's my continued wish for all of us to keep our marriages alive, basking in the glow of The One Light who guides and sustains us all. Happy nth anniversary, everyone! =)